Only the reflection in the half shattered mirror could explain her pain. I felt as if I knew her--but the memory was blurred. Holding groceries in plastic bags stretched out of shape, I stared at the abandoned car in front of me. Maybe I got it all wrong. This cannot be. What a beautiful day it was, with crisp, white snowflakes tenderly dropping from the ash, white sky, every house lit with fragrant candles, families gathered in together in living rooms cracking jokes, and children tumbling in the snow. She stared at me with icy sapphire eyes. Circles of gray trailed out of my nose with every breathe I exhaled. From her eyes, I saw the reflection of myself.
She pulled out pen and paper from her purse and scribbled down a word or two. She slid her hand across the crumpled paper on broken glass and ribbons of red started to swirl on top. Rich, cherry red dyed the paper a different hue, a different feeling. I said in my head that this was all too familiar. Kneeling down, speechless, I looked at the ground. The ground was once so serene and dear to me. But now, two red ribbons were intertwined to tell a story. To give an ending. We were all talking with our voices on mute. Many times I looked at her questioning if we were feeling the same thing. I could not tell what I was feeling, I only knew of coldness and chills. The red ribbons froze in the snow as droplets of tears washed away her makeup. Smudges of blackness streamed down her cheeks. A woman walked by and asked if everything was okay, then walked away as no one answered her.
We did not deserve this, if anyone asks. Maybe I did, but I know that she did not. It was all a fairy, a happy story until she saw the end. All those years of waiting, and she ends up sitting in a circle of red ribbon drawn from her blood. The sky turned pale gray and the snow continued to fall. The flakes were larger and looked more like milkweed than actual snow. She stuffed her sliced hand in the snow and shouted at the abandoned car, "You god damn motherf*****! Why?! Why?!" I did not know why and nor did she. Only the person hanging halfway out of the car door knew why. I guess it is too late to ask why.
Circles of gray trailed out of my nose with every breath I exhaled.
ReplyDeleteIt was all a fairy[tale?], a happy story until she saw the end.
Really intriguing story Loren, I'm sorry about what happened even though I'm not completely positive of what really happened but really amazing story.
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ReplyDeleteThis is quite powerful, yet short. Your telling it from a 1st person view is the most strengthening aspect of this story. The fact that the emphasis goes toward another person's feeling and not the narrator's own is intriguing also. I found very little wrong with this, but the few things are as follows:
ReplyDeleteBetween the words "Icy" and "sapphire", you need a comma as it is a list in a description of her eyes.
When you begin describing the woman writing a note, then scraping her hand on glass was confusing. I had to reread it a few times, but I still had difficulty understanding (Maybe it was just me).
Towrad the end, you begin going into present tense, while the rest is in pas tense. In your last paragraph, you use words like "asks", "is", "ends", etc. Just correcting those will correct this small error. You may need to rearrange some things to make it sound as good, but that shouldn't be hard.
If I'm not mistaken, the dialogue is supposed to be on a different line than the rest of the paragraph, though I'm not sure if this is required in your case.
Those were the only things I really saw wrong. This is beyond stellar and you definitely have a talent for writing as you held off the reason for the feelings this woman was feeling until the end without losing the reader. :)
I reposting my comment because I had an error it. It was a really good story. It was told very well. The only thing that was confusing was the line, "I did not know why and nor did she." It sounded a little off when I was reading it. Overall, it was well written and was very powerful.
ReplyDeleteCindy: Not a fairytale! Lol The gray circles are just her breath everytime she exhaled since it is cold outside.
ReplyDeleteGabby: THANK YOU GABBY! (: Really helpful comments, I'll fix those tonight. (: Also, the part where she's writing and pressing her hand over glass, that was just filler...umm, the red ribbons are the trails of blood she left on the snow, paper, whatever :D
Caitlin: I meant to say that the both of us had no clue. Lol Umm, I'll see how I can re-word that!
Good work on this. It was just confusing at the last part. Who was in the car? Didn't the woman see a dead person in the car?
ReplyDeleteSam: Indeed, she saw a dead person in the car. Umm, I left that up to the reader to imagine who was in the car and why that person is dead in the car.
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